Cycle 14.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

Like. I veer so wildly between feeling like there’s always hope, and feeling like this is never going to happen, so why torture myself?

I dunno. Ask me throughout my cycle and it depends on how many articles I’ve read lately – how many positive, how many negative. I feel like we’ve been doing this forever, and we’re surrounded by babies. With one coming every month at the moment to close friends.

I’m so tired.

On the positive side, our fertility clinic appointment is Tuesday. So at least we’ll get some answers, advice… maybe even a plan. I just want them to give me some hope.

But yes. Today feels hopeless. Today I feel like giving up. But I don’t think I ever could. This means more to me than anything else.

Hug your babies tight, please. Love on them. Appreciate them. You don’t know how lucky you are.

The waiting game

God bless patient people.

I used to think I was patient. I’ve been praised for it before. But this baby business takes that away from the best of us.


There’s the waiting to ovulate. Then the waiting to see if it took (the dreaded ‘two week wait’). Then there’s the waiting for tests, then the waiting to be referred, then the waiting for the specialist appointment.

After that, I imagine there’ll be even more waiting. I feel like I’ve been waiting years already for this baby that may never come.  I want to see the specialist.  I want to know it’s not hopeless.

We’re pretty sure IVF is our next step and only option, but I want someone to tell us that for sure. I am preparing myself for it, but I just need answers. I just want to see someone, and I shouldn’t moan about free healthcare because it is wonderful, but I’m hurting. I’m so done waiting. I am ready.


Everyone around us is pregnant or has wee ones. It’s rubbish. And it’s past jealousy, it’s just.. it’s depressing. It hurts every part of you. Folding onesies for other babies. Making quilts. Baby showers. I can’t see a way out of this hole or a silver lining right now.  I just see 2 more years of possibly nothing but sadness and pain.

It seems like the easiest thing in the world for so many people, and I’m so tired of being the broken ones. I just want a little hope. Any day now.

And obviously I’m not completely out of hope because yesterday I allowed myself to buy something from the baby section, because it was just.. the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. I refuse to get caught up in superstitions anymore.  But yes.






Our results

As promised in the last post, I said I’d update on our results.

So far for me, it appears I only have an underactive thyroid.  I say ‘only’ here, as despite the fact that it’s a chronic illness and I’ll be medicated forever, it is the best of possible bad news.  Having a healthy thyroid function is vital to so many systems in your body, so getting this sorted is crucial. I had a burst of hope!

And then, well, we got my husband’s results, and they’re not good.

It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed and anxious and sad and disappointed. Not in him at all – he is wonderful – but in the hand we’ve been dealt. We’re looking to get on the waiting list for the specialist now, and then hopefully we will know what our options are. The Dr said today that it’s not the end of the world, but it’s now looking pretty unlikely that we’ll conceive on our own. The waiting lists are very long, and it feels like a never-ending struggle.

I’ll keep you updated, and I refuse to give up.  Some days it truly feels impossible, and on others I feel like we’ll rock whatever comes our way.

Today? I am sad.

Fertility Workups [UK]

So I thought I’d write a bit about the process of getting fertility testing here in the UK, in case it helps others. It also helps me to get it all out.

NB:  This information is based on my own personal experience in Scotland. Your experience may vary, and I’m by no means an expert.



Basically, the recommended time to be trying (if you’re under the age of 35) before they’ll start testing is now 18 months. Most couples conceive within a year, with almost all conceiving within 18-24 months.

However. If you have any other obvious issues going on (erratic periods, painful periods, no periods, very long cycles, etc) they will test you from 12 months. If you are over 35, they will test from 12 months if everything seems as it should, or 6 months if you have any of the aforementioned issues going on.



First port of call is your GP.  You’ll need a basic idea of your cycle history, notes of any issues you’ve noticed, any vitamins you’re taking, etc.  They will ask about your sex life, so don’t be shy.  Some GPs aren’t as knowledgeable on your options, but they’ll know how the referral process works at least.



Your GP will then organise to refer you to your local Fertility clinic or centre. NHS centres are hospital-based (well the ones I’ve come across) and will send back a letter to you and your Dr explaining how the process works and what tests they need run by your GP.  My GP knew what they’d ask for so prepared me for it ahead of the letter, but your letter will most likely ask for the below:

  • A chlamydia swab test (self-swab, you do this at home and drop it in)
  • A blood test early in your cycle (between CD1-CD5) measuring levels of LH, FSH, E2, Prolactin, Testosterone, TFTs (I’ll explain what these are shortly).
  • A blood test around CD21 to test your hormone levels to see if you are ovulating
  • A Rubella test (immunity, rather than whether you actually have it!)

If your partner is also at the same GP they will get him sorted at the same time to get an SA – sperm analysis.  If it’s not at the same GP, his name will be noted on your referral and he will have to go to his own GP and give your name/mention the referral to get the ball rolling on his side.  Note: SAs are done “at least” a month apart, so that will hold things up – nothing will happen until both are done. Get your man on it ASAP.

After all of these tests have been completed, then you will go on the waiting list.



LH –  Luteinising hormone:  Early in your cycle this hormone stimulates your ovaries to produce E2 and then surges before ovulation to get your body to release the egg.

FSH – Follicle-stimulating hormone:  Like LH, this is released by the pituitary gland to stimulate follicles to release an egg for ovulation. It is the main hormone involved in producing mature eggs in the ovaries. This test will help to assess your ovarian reserve.

E2 – Estradiol:  Estradiol is a form of the hormone estrogen. The ovaries, breasts, and adrenal glands make estradiol. During pregnancy, the placenta also makes estradiol. This test can indicate how well your ovaries are working/if there’s any cyst issues. Low levels of it can indicate PCOS.

Prolactin:  This is another hormone released by the pituitary gland. This test ultimate helps to rule out problems with the pituitary gland or hypothalamus. Increased levels of this can mess with ovulation.

Testosterone:  Too much going on can indicate PCOS. Too little means you’re not likely to get ovulation going.

TFTs:  This is a thyroid function test.  Your thyroid can play a big part in how your body regulates everything, and needs to be at an optimal level to get pregnant. If your thyroid is over or under-performing, conceiving can be difficult.



In Edinburgh right now the standard wait is 12 weeks. This means from GP to Clinic, you’re looking at 14-18 weeks before you’ll see anyone.  The tests need to be done (including the spaced-out SAs for your dude) and then the clinic needs an available appointment that you can both attend.  So don’t think it’ll be quick and that you’ll get assistance immediately, you need to just keep trying, unfortunately.



Well, I don’t personally know but I know the possibilities – they could want to scan my ovaries, they could take more blood, they could organise an HSG (dye/scan of your tubes), they could end up doing an op to see what’s going on in there.  I’ll do another post/update this one once we’ve had the appointment.



There are many! From IUI to IVF. And I plan to go over them at some stage in future, after our appointments.



You may not need any of this. My hope is that we will fall naturally before any of this shizzle happens. At the moment I appear to have one issue which I will cover in the next post.



Coming up next: My results and where we stand.

On Timing

We were going to stop by now.

We had a plan and that plan was to stop by March because otherwise we’d have a baby at a very inconvenient time.

But then the baby didn’t happen.




We’ve now been referred to the Reproductive Clinic. I’m in two minds about this. To me, it says that I am broken and my brain says, “That’s right, they’ll tell you you can’t have children” and that to me is one of the worst possible outcomes for my life in general. I can cope with not getting a good job, not having a nice house, having a small amount of good friends over being very popular, being a bit chubby, being not that attractive… but not being able to be a mother is not happening, people.

Yes, I know there are options and I can be a mother to a child that is not biologically mine, but that’s very hard for me to grasp right now. I really want a child that’s from us.  And if the option is gone, then of course I want a child that really needs a home. But I’d have to have some time to grieve not being able to carry my own.




The other part of my mind on all this is like, “You’re fine. You just need to try longer. The tests will come back fine. Or they’ll put you on a drug and then a few months later you’ll be knocked up” and that gives me enthusiasm about a way forward.


We’re not seeing anyone til August. That’s the waiting time. It’s a nightmare but also a blessing. We have more chances to try on our own and I really really want to succeed that way.

I really hate the uncertainty but at the same time, maybe we just require a bit more patience.

I hope you’re doing okay today.  Keep hopeful.

For the Almost Mothers

Happy Mother’s Day, almost mothers.

To the mother who lost her baby, but still feels and knows she is someone’s mother.

To the mother who has been trying a long time and feels the pain of this day.

To the mother who had to give her children another home, for them and for her.

To the mother who is waiting for that call to take in a child that needs a home.

To the mother who fosters temporarily and wonders if they see her as she sees them: family.

To the mother who hopes and dreams and waits.

To the mother whose children are grown and gone.

To the mother who takes in and raises her grandchildren.

To all the almost mothers.

Things People Need to Stop Saying

“Just relax!”

Yeah. I think if babies were made simply by relaxing, we’d all be pregnant by now. We’re all trying massages and acupuncture and meditation and long baths and treating ourselves. Trying to conceive is not relaxing. The stress of it makes us stressed and then we’re stressed because we’re stressed and that means we’ll have trouble and that’s stressful and…


“Read this book!”

This can actually sometimes be helpful, especially if someone is new to the process, but don’t assume immediately that we aren’t researching how to make this happen. Believe me, we’re all extremely obsessed with knowledge. Google any word and ‘ttc’ and you’ll find forums and question boards of women talking about things. We’re all talking about things.


“Book a holiday!”

If we book a holiday once a month we’re going to go broke. Thanks but yeah, nope.


“Don’t worry about it, my cousin just stopped trying and it happened!”

Yeah okay. I have cycles between 33-47 days long, so if I stop “worrying about it”, I’ll miss my opportunity altogether. If we ‘stop trying’ I’ll spend months wondering how I could have improved my chances that particular cycle. Believe me, we need to track. And all these anecdotes? Thanks but no thanks.


“Have you tried tracking your cycle?”

Er. No shit.


“It’ll happen!”

Like. No. I know you have the best of intentions but at cycle 10 I can’t hear this shit anymore. Maybe it won’t happen. I have to live with that in my head most of the time, so the glossing over it is really frustrating.


“Just adopt!”

This one drives me crazy. Have you any idea how hard it is to adopt? How expensive it is to adopt? Just stop.


“Why haven’t you guys had kids yet? Aren’t you going to have kids?”

Maybe we’ve been trying a long time and this is a really personal and insensitive question? (It’s also kinda hard to answer!)


“You’re getting a bit old, I hope it happens soon!”

Well thanks! I wasn’t worrying about this already at all!


“Are you putting your legs in the air?”

Studies show- no wait. What the hell? This is a weird question.


“Maybe you just need to pray more about it. God provides in his own time.”

Yeah, God has heard from me about this, thanks. I think I’ll leave it up to us.


I hope some of you can relate to these, and maybe a few of you will realise that some of this is unhelpful? I know people have the best of intentions but if one more person tells me to “just relax”…

Let Go

One of the hardest things for me is just to let go.  I struggle with trying to let things happen, always wanting to be in control. And fertility is not something I have control over.




I keep trying to tell myself that when we finally do get this baby, this baby will be ridiculously cherished. I can’t let myself forget these days of longing; of wishing more than anything else that I could just grow and nurture new life inside me.




It’s hard keeping a secret yet wanting to talk about it to everyone. It’s hard when people around you are getting pregnant and you had no idea they even were working on it. Maybe they were trying a long time,  maybe they weren’t trying at all. Regardless, it’s always a sting mixed with immense excitement and joy and goodwill for them. It’s hard. And it’s hard when so many don’t understand how tough it can be for some people to get pregnant – they seem to start trying and fall easily and enjoy the relative ease of it all.




After 9 cycles there’s no ease. There’s counting and logging and thinking and hoping. And you try to keep “relaxing” (though this really means diddly squat if you ask me), you book the relaxing weekends away people tell you to, you try not to think about it and plan time away from charting and logging and counting and none of it makes the difference. Babies aren’t inevitable like all the accidental pregnancies make them out to be. There’s a window, there’s a time, there’s a routine, and without it, it won’t happen.




I’ve found solace in the online communities where venting is key and talk is open and no one tells you it’s too personal or too much information or that you’re obsessing unnecessarily. We’re all in this together. And it does help me to let go. I only hope I didn’t have to live this much longer.



Some pieces I’ve found helpful lately:

Parenting before children by Play, Unpenned – I feel like a mother without being a mother. It’s cruel and unsettling.

A guide to being nice at Christmas (or the gift of not being a jerk) by Emily Writes – the paragraph about the “maybe pregnant Mum” meant everything to me before Christmas. Luckily no questions were asked, but I did feel like I was sure to be pregnant by Christmas and when it came, it was a bit of a tough one, but this post made me feel like someone got it.


Read anything special lately? I might try and link to others more. There are some wonderful pieces out there.

Feeling like a failure

It’s hard not to feel like a failure.



It’s hard not to compare yourself to everyone around you – everyone who seems to be falling pregnant without much effort or quarrel.




It’s hard not to feel like you’re not a real woman; you’re not a woman who can perform something that seems to come so easily to others. The parts that can bring life to the world just aren’t playing ball.




It’s hard to feel like you are already a mother, but the world isn’t matching up. You know in your heart you are made for this but for some reason, everything disagrees.

It’s hard not to be brought down by failure month after month, even when you know the odds, know the score, know how much luck comes into it.

It’s hard not being able to control it as much as you wish you could.




It’s just hard.  But you’re not a failure.  Your body is taking its time, your timing is being perfected, your place in the world is still right.




And when you have hope, you can carry on. There is always hope, there is always a light at the end – and if you have faith, maybe God (or the universe) will provide.

Don’t give up.



Excellent Web Resources

Here are some online tools I’ve found super helpful!

ctpCountdown to Pregnancy: This site not only has an account function where you can track your cycle, it also has calculators to work out ovulation and due dates (including important dates throughout the entire pregnancy, not just the end date!), and forum boards/feedback areas for your home pregnancy tests. Well worth checking out! I love that I can compare symptoms from current cycles with my previous one, so I know that yes, I am just being crazy. I do use a bunch of apps on my phone to track everything, but it’s really nice having another web resource as well.

twwTwo Week Wait:  This site is helpful for those who are obsessed with others’ stories. I love the bfp by dpo area where you can read posts from folks detailing what symptoms came up for them each day.  The majority of felt ‘symptoms’ each month are due to progesterone, not pregnancy, but it helps to read what others experienced – and post your own, if successful! (I journal mine for comparison too).

ffFertility Friend:  I’d be surprised if you’re TTC and not using FF.  It’s not the prettiest or most intuitive site/app, but it really does seem to be very accurate and it is always comparing your symptoms/cycle to others in the database. It has a “cycles like mine” feature, a cycle dates planner, and much more.  I check it daily, even if it’s not the TWW.

redditForums:  Everyone needs someone to talk to, right?  I’ve found throughout this whole process that there are very few people willing to speak openly out in the real world about what they’re going through.  Online discussion forums have been a bit of a godsend to me.  I find Reddit forums particularly helpful. Well worth signing up and making a “multireddit” to track all of them at once.

Any other good web resources you use?