We reached V day! Such a milestone. Still quite surreal to look down and realise that yes, it’s me that’s pregnant. This is happening to my body and it is real and a baby is coming.
I didn’t want to do the normal weekly update this week because I just have so many thoughts about this date. I remember when we were starting our first round of IVF, I would plug the dates into my spreadsheet (everything in my life is planned on a spreadsheet) and calculate when 12 weeks would be, 20 weeks would be, 24 weeks would be… viability as a concept and a date just seemed very alien to me.
And now, well. It still feels a little alien to me. All I wanted was to carry this baby and it still often feels like a strange lie that I am the one getting to carry this miracle baby. So many stars had to align to get us here. So many doctors and drugs and wishes.
He is as big as a cantaloupe, and this past week has had the hiccups. He’s also getting really good at booting me in the ribs or the bladder.
He has fingers and toes and the beginning of fingernails, and hair and eyelashes. He has a fast, strong heartbeat and a sleeping pattern (obviously not my sleeping pattern, however) and is kept safe and fed and warm inside me.
I worried that pregnancy would be awful and in my stubbornness to “enjoy every moment”, I would just grin and bear it. But pregnancy has been wonderful. I have the most terrible GERD and dry skin and achey everything and I sleep terribly, but it has still been wonderful. I love my body for the first time that I can remember. I’m a bit ungainly and clumsy and it’s hard to sometimes get comfortable, but I don’t feel fat and gross when I look in the mirror and hate every bump and squishy bit I see.
I feel like this perfect mama growing this perfect babe and I’m just so grateful it’s sickening.
I’m still scared. I think I’ll always be scared. We may be past the point where babe can likely survive, but I still want to protect him and keep him inside as long as I can. There’s nothing to suggest he’ll come before he’s ready, but. In infertility, everything that could go wrong feels like it will.
That being said, I’ve had a textbook pregnancy so far. He is perfectly on size, my tests have all been great, and everything seems perfect.
I’m thankful for every step that got us here. Grow, baby, grow.