The infertile are often terrified of the power of the jinx.
Being around baby stuff is depressing as it is, but there’s nothing worse than buying a special item and it hanging around the house, reminding you of your empty womb. So most of us don’t buy things.
Even though we want to.
I remember those initial exciting times of trying to get pregnant. I looked at adorable baby things, made Amazon wish lists, dreamed about nurseries and how I would surprise my husband. Eventually, though, those wee bits and pieces that I had collected needed to be given away. It was just too hard.
It’s not to say I don’t still have things. I maybe have 1 or 2 items left, stored away. I’m sometimes compelled to buy when I see something a bit special or sentimental. But I try to keep it in check. I veer wildly between wanting to be optimistic, and not wanting to have reminders making me feel too sad.
Then there’s making plans. We start off thinking about how getting pregnant will affect certain events or trips in our lives. Eventually, 18 months later, you realise that you just need to live your life. Plans can change. Your life may be totally different in a year.
But there’s still that worry about the jinx. What if buying that onesie ruined it this month? What if planning to be the sober driver this weekend is just asking for trouble? What if realising the baby would be due on an important date meant that it will no longer happen?
It’s hard to get out of your head sometimes. But buy things if you want to. Plan fun things in your life – Lord knows with infertility stress you need them. Let go a little and don’t worry about upsetting some superstitious order of things. Because maybe that onesie will bring so much joy to someone else, if you need to pass it on. Protect your heart and hold back if you need to. But sadly we often have no say in whether we will get to have this experience, and if you want to dream?
Dream a little.