God bless patient people.

I used to think I was patient. I’ve been praised for it before. But this baby business takes that away from the best of us.

There’s the waiting to ovulate. Then the waiting to see if it took (the dreaded ‘two week wait’). Then there’s the waiting for tests, then the waiting to be referred, then the waiting for the specialist appointment.

After that, I imagine there’ll be even more waiting. I feel like I’ve been waiting years already for this baby that may never come.  I want to see the specialist.  I want to know it’s not hopeless.

We’re pretty sure IVF is our next step and only option, but I want someone to tell us that for sure. I am preparing myself for it, but I just need answers. I just want to see someone, and I shouldn’t moan about free healthcare because it is wonderful, but I’m hurting. I’m so done waiting. I am ready.

Everyone around us is pregnant or has wee ones. It’s rubbish. And it’s past jealousy, it’s just.. it’s depressing. It hurts every part of you. Folding onesies for other babies. Making quilts. Baby showers. I can’t see a way out of this hole or a silver lining right now.  I just see 2 more years of possibly nothing but sadness and pain.

It seems like the easiest thing in the world for so many people, and I’m so tired of being the broken ones. I just want a little hope. Any day now.

And obviously I’m not completely out of hope because yesterday I allowed myself to buy something from the baby section, because it was just.. the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. I refuse to get caught up in superstitions anymore.  But yes.

I

am

tired

of

waiting.