We were going to stop by now.

We had a plan and that plan was to stop by March because otherwise we’d have a baby at a very inconvenient time.

But then the baby didn’t happen.

We’ve now been referred to the Reproductive Clinic. I’m in two minds about this. To me, it says that I am broken and my brain says, “That’s right, they’ll tell you you can’t have children” and that to me is one of the worst possible outcomes for my life in general. I can cope with not getting a good job, not having a nice house, having a small amount of good friends over being very popular, being a bit chubby, being not that attractive… but not being able to be a mother is not happening, people.

Yes, I know there are options and I can be a mother to a child that is not biologically mine, but that’s very hard for me to grasp right now. I really want a child that’s from us.  And if the option is gone, then of course I want a child that really needs a home. But I’d have to have some time to grieve not being able to carry my own.

The other part of my mind on all this is like, “You’re fine. You just need to try longer. The tests will come back fine. Or they’ll put you on a drug and then a few months later you’ll be knocked up” and that gives me enthusiasm about a way forward.

However.

We’re not seeing anyone til August. That’s the waiting time. It’s a nightmare but also a blessing. We have more chances to try on our own and I really really want to succeed that way.

I really hate the uncertainty but at the same time, maybe we just require a bit more patience.

I hope you’re doing okay today.  Keep hopeful.