On Timing

We were going to stop by now.

We had a plan and that plan was to stop by March because otherwise we’d have a baby at a very inconvenient time.

But then the baby didn’t happen.

 

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We’ve now been referred to the Reproductive Clinic. I’m in two minds about this. To me, it says that I am broken and my brain says, “That’s right, they’ll tell you you can’t have children” and that to me is one of the worst possible outcomes for my life in general. I can cope with not getting a good job, not having a nice house, having a small amount of good friends over being very popular, being a bit chubby, being not that attractive… but not being able to be a mother is not happening, people.

Yes, I know there are options and I can be a mother to a child that is not biologically mine, but that’s very hard for me to grasp right now. I really want a child that’s from us.  And if the option is gone, then of course I want a child that really needs a home. But I’d have to have some time to grieve not being able to carry my own.

 

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The other part of my mind on all this is like, “You’re fine. You just need to try longer. The tests will come back fine. Or they’ll put you on a drug and then a few months later you’ll be knocked up” and that gives me enthusiasm about a way forward.

However.

We’re not seeing anyone til August. That’s the waiting time. It’s a nightmare but also a blessing. We have more chances to try on our own and I really really want to succeed that way.

I really hate the uncertainty but at the same time, maybe we just require a bit more patience.

I hope you’re doing okay today.  Keep hopeful.

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