One of the hardest things for me is just to let go. I struggle with trying to let things happen, always wanting to be in control. And fertility is not something I have control over.
I keep trying to tell myself that when we finally do get this baby, this baby will be ridiculously cherished. I can’t let myself forget these days of longing; of wishing more than anything else that I could just grow and nurture new life inside me.
It’s hard keeping a secret yet wanting to talk about it to everyone. It’s hard when people around you are getting pregnant and you had no idea they even were working on it. Maybe they were trying a long time, maybe they weren’t trying at all. Regardless, it’s always a sting mixed with immense excitement and joy and goodwill for them. It’s hard. And it’s hard when so many don’t understand how tough it can be for some people to get pregnant – they seem to start trying and fall easily and enjoy the relative ease of it all.
After 9 cycles there’s no ease. There’s counting and logging and thinking and hoping. And you try to keep “relaxing” (though this really means diddly squat if you ask me), you book the relaxing weekends away people tell you to, you try not to think about it and plan time away from charting and logging and counting and none of it makes the difference. Babies aren’t inevitable like all the accidental pregnancies make them out to be. There’s a window, there’s a time, there’s a routine, and without it, it won’t happen.
I’ve found solace in the online communities where venting is key and talk is open and no one tells you it’s too personal or too much information or that you’re obsessing unnecessarily. We’re all in this together. And it does help me to let go. I only hope I didn’t have to live this much longer.
Some pieces I’ve found helpful lately:
Parenting before children by Play, Unpenned – I feel like a mother without being a mother. It’s cruel and unsettling.
A guide to being nice at Christmas (or the gift of not being a jerk) by Emily Writes – the paragraph about the “maybe pregnant Mum” meant everything to me before Christmas. Luckily no questions were asked, but I did feel like I was sure to be pregnant by Christmas and when it came, it was a bit of a tough one, but this post made me feel like someone got it.
Read anything special lately? I might try and link to others more. There are some wonderful pieces out there.