Today, I ache.
It’s always the same – when you want a red convertible, all you’ll see on the road are red convertibles. When you want a puppy, all you’ll see are puppies. When you dream of visiting Greece, suddenly you’ll notice all the Greek holidays available and all the people you know taking them and the photos will be more obvious to you.
It’s not that these things are happening more. It’s just that when you want something, your brain looks for it. You notice it more and it seems like everyone in the world is doing/having/experiencing what you want.
For me now, it’s pregnant women. It’s babies. They’re on commercials, every TV show, every blog, all over social media. People are losing babies, having babies, trying for babies. And no one seems to talk about how hard it is. Everyone just gets pregnant. No one seems to be struggling – I literally only see talk about it on my TTC boards. I need to be on TTC boards with some truly crazy people to actually be able to discuss the state of my womb.
And it’s not that I’m infertile. I have no idea if I even have any issues (they refuse to test you until you’ve been trying for 12 months; 6 if you’re over 35) but the 20-30% chance you have every month, even if you are doing absolutely everything right? No one says this. The fact that you have a 6 day window every month and it still might not work? No one says this. The fact that as soon as you start trying, your body might start trolling you? No one says this. People get knocked up left and right without trying. People are surprised by this every day without thinking about it, and yet there are huge communities of people online desperately charting and counting and trying and failing.
It’s depressing and exhausting and oh my word, today.. today, I just ache.
We have been trying for about 3 years and we are finally doing our first IUI as soon as AF shows, so I hear you! People don’t talk about infertility, it’s a silent battle, this is true. I kinda wish I never told anyone we were trying, because now everyone wants updates on the status of sperm meets egg. Anyway, just want you to know, I’m in the same boat and I’m just a regular person who is almost 31 and has no children. I have watched every single women I know my age, get pregnant and have babies and I think, how did I get so lucky? But here is how I found peace for myself, just always be working on that next step to baby, weather it be a doctors appointment, a treatment, blood work. Always have something to look forward to. We will both be blessed one day!
I’m so sorry for the crazy late reply but thank you for commenting! I really hope it works out for us both. It is such a crazy journey and so emotionally draining and I’m so glad people are online to talk to us.
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So true, was thinking the same thing yesterday- it’s only been a few days and my preggers radar has already gone off the charts. Good luck, I hope things work out for you well and soon
It’s crazy how our brains work against us! Good luck to you too!
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Thanks! I was beating myself up so much about feeling this way – like I was a crappy human being for not just being able to be happy. Actually, I feel a lot better having thought through some of it in a post (https://breakingupwithcontraception.wordpress.com/2015/09/05/why-it-feels-good-even-just-to-be-trying-for-a-baby/) . Am brand new to blogging but hoping writing and connecting with others and their stories will help me make sense of the emotional spaghetti I have for brains at the moment.Have you found it helps? x
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I can’t seem to reply to your last comment (and apologies for the delay, I wasn’t being notified of them but I’ve fixed that now) but I find blogging so helpful to just get the thoughts out. And connecting with others makes you feel not so crazy and stop you obsessing so much!
I also am just writing a post about how I express my frustration and about journalling, so maybe that would help you too! There are private journal services online which are just so nice to vent into!
Don’t worry at all about the delay! I know life can get in the way. Glad to hear you’re finding blogging helps- I am too. Will look out for your new post- sounds interesting x